A Heartfelt Letter to a New Acquaintance

Dear Nicorette,

My name is Matt. We met a few days ago, and have been spending an awful lot of time together since. In this time, I feel we've gotten to know each other quite intimately. That's moving rather fast for a humble man such as myself, yet I feel compelled to overcome my urges and avoid taking a step back in our relationship.

You see, I had heard all about you before. I knew all the rumours. I listened to the good, and I paid close attention to the bad. To be fair, I expected the ugly. I didn't think it would be this ugly.

You see, over the past decade I had developed a very strong relationship with your counterpart, cigarette. We got along quite well. Cig (as I affectionately call her) was always there for me, in good times and in bad, helping to elate my joys and ease my troubles. Whether it was drinks with the friends or a quiet night in, I always knew that I was sharing my time with somebody who really understood me. Who really knew me. Who really loved me.

Today I am saddened. It's tough to say goodbye to anyone who's been a part of your life for ten years, regardless of the amount of time you spent with them. But Cig was a big part of my life, so it'll be especially tough times over the coming weeks. She knows she's being replaced and isn't happy about it. It puts me in quite a bind to see her pained so.

Are you proud of yourself, Nicorette? Do you feel you offer everything that Cig does, with a cool minty flavour to boot? Well I'm here to tell you - you don't. You don't offer me any social benefits. You don't soothe my cravings or ease my worries. You don't even make my breath any fresher with your nicotine and tar aftertaste. What you do is bother me, and to no end.

In short, Nicorette, you suck. Cigarette was way cooler than you. But, we're stuck together for now, so let's try and make the most of it, okay? Just keep in mind one thing, though - you really, really do suck. I'll be glad when you're gone for good, unlike my dearly departed friend Cig.

Sincerely,
Matt

p.s. you REALLY suck. Just thought I'd say it again.
p.p.s. I was so angry while writing this that I had the urge to have a cigarette. Instead, I popped a Nicorette. The only thing worse than bitter gum is bitter irony.